09/14/05 - RentBoy - by Eurocreme|
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I was a little nervous before screening my first full-length gay porn flick. Witnessing ex-wrestler Chyna's three inch clitoris in One Night in Chyna served as an excellent introduction to the world of gay porn, but I had no idea what to expect. Regardless, I came up with a plan. Invite some ladies over, watch this film in small segments, and mix in plenty of straight porn.
I realized that my plan was flawed when I encountered an overload of penis upon pressing the play button on my DVD player to begin RentBoy, an instant classic tale of a barely legal stud who begins a life as a male prostitute. I saw anal sex, salad tossing, blowjobs, sexual toy play, and long bouts of kissing. All would make your average straight guy cringe; however, I was more surprised by a couple elements of RentBoy that made my screening exponentially more difficult than I had envisioned:
RentBoy begins as RentBoy, played by Robin Hyde, is taken in by Pimp Daddy, played by Sebastian Court. The exchange is simple, and somehow, Pimp Daddy convinces RentBoy to live with him in about four lines. I don't know about you, but I would probably ask a few questions before going to live with a stranger. Possible questions would include asking about the roommate situation, the location of the apartment (or flat in England), the size of the apartment, and exactly why a stranger would want to offer a young boy a place to stay. But that's just me. Maybe the gay community is more tolerant of broad, vague offers that could possibly lead to a lot of trouble.
- Foreskin- According to United Kingdom health statistics, only 20.9% of white men in England (the location of filming) are circumcised. Wow! This is a far cry from the nearly 60% of men who are circumcised in the U.S. on average. I guess I should have expected to see more foreskin in an English gay porn film.
- Jizz- I realized that it makes sense to see at least twice as much jizz in a gay porn movie considering that there are at least twice as many penises in each scene (unless you are watching a bukkake flick). The actors in RentBoy held their own with loads of thick, ropey jizz, but watching a guy get his chest covered with roughly 8-10 ounces of cum was about as easy as watching Chyna's three inch clitoris get pleasured by her equally oversized boyfriend.
After the pickup, RentBoy and Pimp daddy have a wild sex session back at the flat. I found myself wanting to fast forward past the large amount of salad tossing that preceded the anal pounding that RentBoy received, but I stuck it out like a champ. RentBoy also turned out to be a champ for withstanding Pimp Daddy's large, girthy penis, which I think any straight guy would admit had excellent form.
After the first scene, the setup is clear. Rent boy will become a male prostitute, along with Ian, Joey, and Mark, three other guys crashing at Pimp Daddy's flat. The following scene involves a webcam masturbator and a voyeuristic couple watching in a hotel. All three guys look like they are straight out of an Abercrombie and Fitch catalog. After finishing his wack session, the masturbator decides to rub his jizz all over his chest. That may have seemed like a good idea at the time, but trying to wash that off later must have been quite the task. The voyeuristic couple then gets it on, and I was once again forced to sit through too much ass eating when waiting for the main event.
These escorts are versatile! The next scene involves a well-lubricated buttplug, plenty of leather S&M gear, and a sex swing. I'll let you do the math because at this point of the movie, I was about ready to take a break due to an overload of penis. Basically, the male prostitute gets boned on a sex swing while wearing a black leather jockstrap-like contraption.
Some wild threeway car sex follows. At the end of the scene, jizz flows freely, which made me a little worried about the paint job on the BMW that served as a backdrop for the scene. After the car scene comes some wild standing sex action followed by some amazing cumshots. The top in this scene uses his penis as as a sprinkler for what must have been ten seconds. Even as a straight guy, I realized that I had just seen an amazing orgasms. Some straight porn actors perform half-ass cumshots, but all of the actors in RentBoy go all out.
At this point in the movie, I reached gay porn comatose. The next scene involved a hard anal pounding in the bathroom, but I was so numb to what was going on right in front of my eyes. Quickly, my consciousness resumed when a sexual toy lesson began. I asked myself whether a drawn-out lesson on how to use anal beads or a dildo was necessary. 'You put these in.' One of the escorts said. Wow, thanks. Even as a straight guy, I am confident that I would be able to operate anal beads on my own ass with relative ease should the opportunity ever present itself. Also, the up close man ass in this scene was somewhat disturbing for me. I haven't seen a male asshole with such detail since I decided to look at mine with a hand mirror back in high school. Memories.
A threeway outcall at a hotel follows. I became confused when the client asked to suck the escorts off immediately upon arrival. The gay prostitution world must be incredibly different from the straight prostitution world. Where I come from, asking to perform oral favors on a prostitute is unheard of. In fact, I can recall a scenario in Tijuana involving an extremely drunk friend in a strip club who administered oral favors to one of Tijuana's finest strippers only to be rewarded with a collection of cold sores. This scene, like the rest, finishes with massive cumshots.
At this point in the movie, I was getting ready to call it a night. I was nearing the two hour mark, and I figured that I had seen all of the gay sex that Eurocreme could throw at me. Boy, was I wrong! In the last scene, I was the proud witness of double anal penetration. Amazing! I don't even think I have seen double anal penetration in straight porn films. I didn't think it was possible. I had to rewind the film a few times to make sure that my eyes weren't playing tricks on me, but I realized that I was in fact seeing two large penises in one ass.
After screening the entire film, I am still straight, yet I have a newfound respect for the world of gay pornography. Some things about the film that I liked:
I would recommend this film to any gay man in the mood for two hours of wild action or any straight man in the mood to diversify his porn collection and add some novelty. At the very least, you can listen to the soundtrack and get your groove on.
- The Soundtrack - This soundtrack is amazing. It is definitely the best music that I have ever heard in a porn film. It doesn't sound like it was made in some middle-aged guy's basement. Instead, it is polished and fun to listen to.
- Clean shaven genitalia - All of the actors in this film had perfectly shaven (or waxed) genitalia. Obviously, this made the film much easier for me to screen because I didn't have to look at a jungle of hair when trying to figure out what was going on. We've come a long way since the 70s.
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Why would any logical straight guy willingly review gay porn? Because gay people are amazing. Gay people earn more money than straight people, are more cultured than straight people, and generally have have a much better sense of style than straight people. Gross generalization? I think not. According to Forrester, a leading marketing research firm, the average household income for gay people is $61,300 compared with
$56,900 for heterosexuals. In addition, 19% of gay men hold post-graduate degrees compared with 14% of straight men. 84% of gay men and women hold a valid passport compared with the United States average of 29%. Thus, gay people are better than straight people. Do I even have to say that it is trendy to be gay now?
Straight people are boring. We watch sports, play mind games constantly in relationships, and have a horrible taste in clothing. Reviewing gay porn essentially makes me slightly more gay than the average straight guy, and resultingly, slightly more cool than the average straight guy. I'm willing to do about anything to be cooler than my vagina-loving, hawaiian-shirt-wearing peers in the straight community.
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As for Old Buster and his nuts, he gave this film...
A Lot o' Nuts! Oh yeah! Keep it comin'! Definitely oh so worth it! Hot like WHOA! A right good porn site, my fellow porn purveyor patron partisan partners! We'd go there again... and again... and again! We laughed! We cried! We came! We recommended it to our friends. This one's definitely a keeper. Forget the tissue paper. This one calls for the super absorbent industrial strength paper towels.
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